RUTGER ANSEL WOODWARD

Caucasian Male

1. What is your physical description?

I am a middle-aged thinnish man with a slight gut from lack of exercise. My hair is thinning and streaked with just the slightest gray. I have angular bird-like features and move in a very awkward off-putting manner. I have been described as a dorky "Pee Wee Herman." I come across as meek and soft-spoken and a bit whiny.

2. What is your current occupation, and how did you acquire the skills needed for it?

I am an exterminator who crawls around among mouse poop and bugs all day. However, I am ashamed of my career and pretend to be a businessman. I often wear an old gray suit and am quite fussy over dirt and stains. However, at work I blithely crawls through cobwebs and worse all day long. I comes from a long line of exterminators on my mother's side. My mom, and my mother's mother, were all catchers and killers of vermin.

3. Outside of work, what hobby, interest, or sport occupies most of your time, and why do you find it interesting?

I am a football fan, particularly the Seattle Seahawks. With a few drinks in me, I am as loud and crude as any jock who has ever enjoyed watching the ole' pigskin get tossed about. I also enjoy playing football and secretly wish I had the physical ability to play as quarterback. I cheer, yell "all right!", and double fist punch the air on good plays.

4. What motivates you to get out of bed and keep going each day?

I hope to meet someone special. I have spent most of my life alone inhaling weird toxins and crawling around in forgotten spaces. Deep down I am a lonely man who has hope that all the negatives in my life will lead to a big payoff.

5. What is your greatest fear, and how do you react when you face it?

Clowns and dolls, or especially clown dolls! I tend to hyperventilate and tremble greatly around either.

6. When people talk about you behind your back, and they do, what are they saying?

People discuss my appearance and mannerisms. If I have had a chance to reveal my sports fanaticism, that is always a topic. People are usually shocked that such a timid dork turns into such a testosterone-fueled jock.

7. Everyone indulges in something from cheating on a diet to something dangerous; what is your guilty pleasure or vice?

I enjoys alcohol a bit too much. I prefer beer but like a good drink of whiskey.

8. You depend upon others because you lack what vital ability?

Social situations are incredibly awkward and difficult for me. I need others to take lead and help me communicate. I cannot seem but come across as creepy, dorky, or shy.

9. How come you no longer allow yourself to have pets?

I had a dog once. Ralpho. He was my best friend, but he got into some of my pest control chemicals and died, and I've just never forgiven myself. Honestly, I tried to kill myself the next night using the same chemicals, but they just knocked me out and gave me terrible headaches. Ever since, though, I can physically hear the color red within 10 feet!

10. Only you know if you accidentally or intentionally burned down your parents' house; what happened?

I know it was an accident. I think it was an accident. I hope it was an accident. I was chasing a spider with a lighter and a can of hairspray. It went behind the curtains...