JONATHAN WILLARD WISNOWSKI

Caucasian Male

1. What is your physical description?

I am overweight, and not like a dad body type. I eat too much and do not exercise, so I am overweight and sweaty. I have dirty blonde hair could be described as mullet-like. I have a goatee and mustache that makes me look a bit like a weasel. A big fat weasel, but a weasel. My clothes do not fit me very well but I do not really care. I tend to wear big watches. I wear glasses and am pretty blind without them. I have a sniveling demeanor and whiny voice.

2. What is your current occupation, and how did you acquire the skills needed for it?

I work on copy machines for a third-rate printing company. I learned most of my skills on the job because I seemed to be a computer guy most of my life. I have taken a number of online courses and attended some conferences and seminars. I tried going to college, but it was too much work.

3. Outside of work, what hobby, interest, or sport occupies most of your time, and why do you find it interesting?

I am a KISS fanatic. I have every album. On vinyl. Because they sound better, you know? I have seen the band 23 times in concert, and I once shook hands with Gene Simmons himself. I told him I was a big fan. He said something like "obviously." So, he might have been making fun of me or something and could be an asshole. But that is okay, I still like the band. I have a huge amount of KISS collectables and always wear KISS underwear.

4. What motivates you to get out of bed and keep going each day?

Not much. In employee evaluations I have been described as unmotivated. Lackluster. Occupying space. But I have to keep going to work because I need the paycheck. Really, I hate what I do. I also do not like the people. People are assholes.

5. What is your greatest fear, and how do you react when you face it?

I am very self-conscious and get really nervous around women. Especially attractive women. I start sweating more and stammer and make mistakes. I tend to just avoid women when I can.

6. When people talk about you behind your back, and they do, what are they saying?

They make fun of my weight, my awkwardness, and they even make fun of KISS. Assholes.

7. Everyone indulges in something from cheating on a diet to something dangerous; what is your guilty pleasure or vice?

I compulsively eat. I like food, but I think it is as much stress relief as anything. I am always picking up things and eating them. Snack cakes, sodas, and whatever. If it is not labeled as belonging to someone, I consider it fair game.

8. What do you believe you are better at than you really are?

Sarcasm and clever wit. I think I am much funnier that I really am. Mostly I am annoying and sometimes crude. What I think endears people to me making them think I am smart actually pushes them away.

9. Why won't your family acknowledge your existence?

I pawned the wedding ring my late grandmother left to my brother to buy KISS collectables, and then I was unable to buy it back. It got sold and is out of the family, and none of us can afford to buy it back. No one in the family talks to me anymore. Assholes.

10. Your parents' death is a mystery, but not to you. Why not?

I needed money for some new KISS collectables. I put a hose onto the back of my car exhaust and ran it into the house my parents were living in late at night. I thought I would inherit everything, but they left everything to my brother to make up for the cost of the wedding ring I had pawned a few years earlier. Assholes.