ELLIOTT BRONSON SAMUELS

Caucasian Male

1. What is your physical description?

I am a grizzled rancher in my early sixties with a shock of white hair, an enormous mustache and scraggly beard, and skin tanned by decades of outdoor work. I am of average build, but years of intense labor has left me wiry and unbelievably strong. My voice is rough and gravely, and I act like an old tough cowboy. I smoke, and I drink, and I curse, and I live my life on my terms.

2. What is your current occupation, and how did you acquire the skills needed for it?

I am a second generation rancher. My father taught me, through tough love, how to care for the heard, mend the fence, set my own broken bones, and otherwise thrive in the tough life of a rancher.

3. Outside of work, what hobby, interest, or sport occupies most of your time, and why do you find it interesting?

Who the hell has time for hobbies? I get up before dawn to work, I work all day, I work until the sun goes down, I work after nightfall, and then I drink a beer, go to sleep, and do it all again.

4. What motivates you to get out of bed and keep going each day?

Work. You yuppies may have time to press snooze and sip your Splenda-soy crap-uccinos, but out here on the ranch you live and die by every minute you put into work.

5. What is your greatest fear, and how do you react when you face it?

I reckon I ain't scared of about anything.

6. When people talk about you behind your back, and they do, what are they saying?

People talk about how direct and no-nonsense I am. I do not have time to use fancy words and make small talk. I reckon that rubs some people the wrong way.

7. Everyone indulges in something from cheating on a diet to something dangerous; what is your guilty pleasure or vice?

Nothing washes the dust of the day off your tongue like a nice cold beer. But, I would be lying if I said I did not appreciate the attentions of a nice young woman. There are some really fine girls at Madame Suzette’s, and I find myself spending more and more time in their company.

8. You depend upon others because you lack what vital ability?

I am not a good negotiator. I do not have time for all that crap. Say what you mean to say and move on, I always say. That seems to get me in trouble when I speak my mind. Others do not share my dry matter-of-fact sense of humor. I am f^cking hilarious.

9. Why are you married if you aren't in love?

My wife and I have not been in love for decades. I know she is seeing several men on the side. I spend more and more money with Madame Suzette. After this many years, you do not just walk away. Divorce is for quitters. We have several more years to make each other miserable.

10. Before he left home, your father beat your mother. Why didn't he ever beat you or your sister?

My father beat my mother for years. He seemed to take out all his frustrations and failures out on her. He was a weak man, really. For some reason, he never laid a hand on us kids. I do not think it was love. I really believe Mama would have taken that old shotgun and killed him. My Daddy knew that, he knew.