ALEXANDER "ALEX" VAN MARCH

Caucasian (English & Dutch/German ancestry) Male

1. What is your physical description?

Early-20s, build & coloring of Aston Kutcher from That '70s Show season 6.

2. What is your current occupation, and how did you acquire the skills needed for it?

Sanitarium Nurse (nights & weekends). I am attending college in Ithaca, New York. No, not Cornell University—the Finger Lakes School of Massage Therapy!

3. Outside of work, what hobby, interest, or sport occupies most of your time, and why do you find it interesting?

Cross-country skiing, vampires (thanks to my weird neighbor, Mr. Dandridge), pyrotechnics (thanks to my girlfriend Carrie's love of fire), locksport, rap music, and foxes. Have you seen this list? How could you not be interested in that stuff? Also, ADHD.

4. What motivates you to get out of bed and keep going each day?

The fact that I help people feel better every day. That and my Aunt Annie W's badgering every morning. "Get up or I’ll break your legs!" she says... what a kidder.

5. What is your greatest fear, and how do you react when you face it?

Spiders & webs, porcelain dolls, and tight places. How do I react? I scream a lot. A lot, a lot.

6. When people talk about you behind your back, and they do, what are they saying?

Probably about how awesome I have it. Maybe about how sad it is that my parents (Jack & Wendy) & sister (Laurie) died in a freak snowmobile and kitchen cutlery accidents (respectively). I hope it's not about that time I rage beat a teacher for humiliating me in front of the my class. Don't judge me, man; that old nun had it coming!

7. Everyone indulges in something from cheating on a diet to something dangerous; what is your guilty pleasure or vice?

I peek into people's private things. I do this by opening their locked possessions (diaries, office doors, lockers, drawers, car trunks, file cabinets, brief cases, medicine cabinets, etc.) and peeking into their secret hidden things. I learned at an early age that a standard interior door handle lock can be picked with a paperclip (again, a nasty older sister). I practiced on it for years and I've gotten very good at it. I moved up through more-complicated locks and am now working on pad locks. I try to keep a lock with me at most times & fiddle with it when sitting around or when bored. I ALWAYS keep a couple of heavy wire paperclips in my wallet. Who knows when they might come in handy?

8. Why do you wear glasses (with non-prescription lenses) despite having perfect vision?

I think the glasses make me look smarter and slightly authoritative. Working in the hospital & with doctors, I want to feel like they respect me and that I belong among them.

9. It is said everyone has a price—how did you discover yours?

My price is very low. I am EXTREMELY susceptible to peer pressure. I always want to look, act and sound cool in front of whatever audience I am working. I've always been this way and I have a reputation (of which I am either ignorant or blind) of being an I’ve-got-a-better-story kind of guy.

10. What family secret did your aunt tell you on your last birthday?

There is an unexplainable, multigenerational family history of traumatic occurrences. Many were experienced by family members; some were caused by family members.